The Mourner's Six "Reconciliation Needs"
The demise of someone loved changes our lives forever. The movement from the "before" to the "after" is always a long, painful journey. From many grief support experiences, I have learned that if we do heal, the outside edges of our grief usually remain. Instead, we must journey completely through it. I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an important difference, you see. Grief is how you think and feel on the inside after someone you love passes away. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love passes, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn. There are six "yield signs" most likely to be encountered on your journey through grief - what I call the "reconciliation needs of mourning." For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.
Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. Whether the demise was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over several weeks or months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the demise and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It's as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.
Remember - this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.
Need 2. Embracing the pain of loss
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss - something we naturally don't want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it. You will probably discover that you need to "dose" yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it. Our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain, this is unfortunate. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to "carry on" or "keep your chin up". On the other hand if you remain "strong" and "in control", you may be congratulated for "doing well" with your grief. Doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.
Need 3. Remembering the person who passed away
Can you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course you can. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who passed away such as mementos, photos, souvenirs, etc. are just a few of the things to give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship. But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who passed away. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. In my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future becomes open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.
Need 4. Developing a new self-identity
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship passes, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a "wife" or "husband" to a "widow" or "widower". You may have gone from being a "parent" to a "bereaved parent". The way you define yourself and the way society defines you has changed. A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who passed. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage and buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the deceased person. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained. You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear. Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.
Need 5. Searching for meaning
When someone you love passes away, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask "How" and "Why" questions. How could God let this happen? Why did this happen now, in this way? The demise reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless. The person who is gone was a part of you. This demise means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel when this person passed away, part of you died with him / her. Now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty. The demise calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.
Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot - nor should you try to - do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. Mourning is a process that takes place over time. This support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life. Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to "carry on," "keep your chin up" and "keep busy," many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. "It's over and done with" and "It's time to get on with your life" are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it. To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has made on you and your life. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed - even encouraged - to mourn long after the death. They must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.
Reconciling your grief
You may have heard - indeed you may believe - that your grief journey's end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief. Your journey will never end. People do not "get over" grief. Reconciliation is a more appropriate term for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who passed away. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the demise and a capacity to become re-involved in the activities of living. In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.